University App Intimacy Rankings
A highly definitive argument of the performance of university apps on the intimacy scale, as defined by Kameron & Mahreen, 2026.
Words by Isabelle Kameron and Tannaz Mahreen
So pretentious, so self-celebratory, so hyperbolic. What do you mean you “feel so honoured to have been granted the opportunity to spearhead a cohort of like-minded professionals in creating a multidimensional avenue for success”? You were appointed the class rep, then immediately complained to me about regretting nominating. Your best friends are associates, and your mum’s a reference.
2/10
You were posting about watching a football game in 2014, now you update about your engagement three months late. It’s only on our phone for Messenger, and Messenger is only for uni groups. Cause we’re not close enough for Instagram, y’know?
3/10
Cringe culture is dead, and Instagram killed it. My explore page is curated for me, specifically?! How very intimate and totally not a creepy insight into how metadata influences our lives! Give me more of the cat photo stories, activism reposts, and KATSEYE edits, all in the same breath!
6-7/10
ChatGPT
Girl (gender neutral), what are you doing?
0/10
Outlook
I wake up at 6am and Phil Hoffman Travel has emailed me again about a country I would never visit. But I check at 6pm and an Associate Dean has emailed me ‘sent from my iPhone’. I don’t feel like a person; however, I feel intimately close to the administration. Professor Romy Lawson cares about me. She doesn’t know it yet, but she does.
6/10
Spotify
It’s so clinical. You had the opportunity to connect people based on what percentage of their listens to ‘Teenage Dream’ is the Glee version. The piano one. Instead, you recommended the latest Sombr release to me. Also, the amount of ads in non-Premium? Late-stage consumerist capitalism is many things – intimate is not one of them.
4/10
Lost On Campus
The. Panda. Is. Trying. So hard. They really are (microfeminism of the day: the Lost on Campus Panda is non-binary)! It’s not their fault Bedford Park is the tenth circle of Dante’s Inferno. Sure, they make mistakes but, they’re a rite of passage and bring all of us closure. It’s not about getting to Social Sciences South 115, it’s about the pandas that brought us to Social Sciences North instead.
8.5/10
Canvas
That’s my GOAT, right there. Rescheduled class? Canvas will let me know. New assignment? Canvas got my back. Didn’t do an assignment last semester? Do not fret; Canvas will crash for a week straight! If nobody got me Canvas doe. She’s just That Girl™.
9/10
Okta Verify
Deeply, deeply, mistrusting. Classifies my phone, which it is on, as an unknown device even after five years. Used to accept me for 90 days, now won’t do so for 90 minutes. Refuses to acknowledge me, in bad faith. Seriously, I wish someone were trying to pay my semester fee for me, Okta, I really do. It also centralises one device when college is so much of a multi-device affair. I’m reading on my laptop, taking notes on my tablet, and recording on my phone. What do you mean I have to log in and verify my identity multiple times, interrupting my study, when I’m supposed to be focusing? You surveil, you don’t support. Do you not trust me? Boo!
1/10
Google Docs
You’re always there, but barely. I can write wherever I need, but you fail for anything more complex than text on a screen. Formatting? You don’t know her. References? Boy, bye. I’ve never seen so many incorrect assumptions about what I want to say next. No, not NXT like wrestling, the word ‘NEXT’. You’re on thin ice. Don’t make me go back to Microsoft Word.
2/10
Notes App
Does anyone else know the size of my soul? Whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same. As time goes on, I realise that I am safe here in your arms, that I am known. I have unclasp'd to thee the book even of my secret soul. You might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant. I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. I wish I knew how to quit you.
10/10
DoorDash
I am distressed. I need nourishment and comfort. The only available source is sporadic and very emotionally unregulated. Am I talking about DoorDash? Or am I talking about my dad? Your guess is as good as mine. Interface is clinical, but there was intention there somewhere. It brings us stuff when we need it but also expects money in return? And this semester we’re protecting our peace from toxic and transactional relationships. Stay intimate, folks!
7/10