I would like to come out swinging with a strong statement. I think monogamy is (mostly) bizarre and also, anti-feminist.
Words by Fia Pritchard
That’s right folks, I’m not the only freak in this zoo.
You see me through the bars separating our enclosures with my two boyfriends and my girlfriend and think “what a whore” or “you obviously don’t love any of them” and I’m looking at you and you have a chain on your ankle to a rail of patriarchy but the key to the lock is right by your feet and I think “why won’t you unlock it and get the fuck up”.
Sorry, I know that felt prickly. Hear me out.
First, I’m not judging you. You’ve grown up in a monogamous society, and breaking away from the societally conditioned pack in a major way is legitimately very challenging. And secondly, consciously and intentionally making the decision to be in a monogamous relationship is something I completely support!
Consciously and intentionally being the key words.
There are plenty of reasons that monogamous relationships might suit you. But dear god, I implore you, make sure that they do in fact suit you and that you’re not just maintaining the status quo, particularly if you’re heterosexual. Otherwise you’re at significant risk of joining the eternal lineage of woman who have lost their identity, their health, their resources, their energy, and literal years of their lifespan from being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. If you’re queer, you don’t get a free pass to skip this consideration, but your playing field is more level to start with.
We’ve got two camps here now.
Those who are thinking, “cool Fia, I’ll think about this”. Amazing, there are resources at the end of this article to help you. We also have the camp of people who are thinking “hell no, polyamory is gross and weird and unnatural!” And to you I say, it’s fine to decide something isn’t for you. But personally, I think you’re selling yourself short when you decide to die on a hill without bothering to check out if you like the flowers better on the next one, and it’s only 10 steps to your right.
I have a million thoughts I’d love to share, but I’ll focus on responding to the idea that polyamory isn’t natural.
Homo sapiens are a species of Great Ape. Cool, neat. Our nearest cousins are Chimpanzees and Bonobos. Chimps live in multi-male, multi-female groups with high levels of sexual partner crossover, and Bonobos live in large fluid groups, with sexual contact between almost all members of the group.
So our closest cousins are not monogamous.
In fact a whopping 0% of Great Apes are monogamous. What about Lesser Apes? Gibbons and Siamangs form long term, socially monogamous pair bonds. They live together, raise children together, and stay together after that. This is not a gotcha. They are not strictly sexually monogamous. Extra partners and partner swapping/ “divorce” occur.
Let’s widen our scope. Only roughly 3% to 9% of mammals are socially monogamous. Remember, that means they can still have extra partners. The portion that are truly sexually monogamous is only a fraction of that.
Basically, if we have to pick one or the other, monogamy is the unnatural pick.
Don’t take this personally, I’m not calling you unnatural. I’m saying that monogamy is a practice that society has chosen. It is not instinctual, it is not our default.
And let’s be real, if it was? Humans wouldn’t cheat on each other. Monogamy is a choice.
If you still feel resistance, I understand. But I’m asking you to engage with your beliefs. Interrogate where they come from. Interrogate if they serve you.
Having more information doesn’t take anything away from you. You can read, mull over things, and then decide to stay on the monogamous hill. And won’t it feel fucking good to say “I truly chose my life. I chose every aspect of it deliberately, and not because I saw other people do this and went ‘good enough for me’. These resources will then help you improve your communication skills, which will help nourish that monogamous relationship you chose.
We all win.
Onto our resources.
As a starting point, I’d recommend 'Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator' by Amy Gahran. This book focuses on approaching polyamory for the single person, and even just the kinds of decisions you should consider if you want any kind of romantic and sexual relationship, point blank.
If you want to tackle the more relationshippy, communication side of things, and also do some work on healing personal insecurities (which is valuable for 100% of us!) I’d recommend 'Polysecure' by Jessica Fern.
And if you want to interrogate the sexual side of things, 'The Ethical Slut' by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is where I would get you to start.